I KNOW THE DEVIL 6

Hey there,

This is really a mess. A mess that I’m bringing up my first post for the year on the 23rd of the first month. I’m sorry for this.

Please accept my new year wishes. You’ll like this post, I assure you of that.

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GET TOGETHER

Do I really know the devil for who he is?

Of course I do, always have, and always will. I’m about to find out that Harry is not the devil – never have been the devil – but I don’t know this yet, and even when it becomes obvious that he isn’t, would I willingly accept it and admit that it was wrong detection on my part? I’m not sure of that… Really, I’m not. If you’ve been following this story, you’d agree with me that I’ve always known the devil.

It’s 6:47p.m and I’m sitting in a small restaurant very close to Peace park, Ekeki, hot with anger. Harry has tricked me. He called this evening to inform me that he was at the park at the moment and waiting. Just as I detest people who keep me waiting, I had to get out of my ill state of mind and rush over to the park so as to avoid doing unto others what I wouldn’t want done to me. Here am I now, praying the owner of the restaurant don’t come to ask me for the third time what I would like to have, and cursing Harry for still refusing to pick my calls. As if hopeful thinking is the axis on which the wheel of action spins, the waitress approaches me. I resume dialing Harry.

“Good evening, Sir. We have Loi-Loi, Eba, Semo, Starch, Egusi soup, Ogbono soup, Bitterleaf soup, Banga…” The girl recites.

I look up and my eyes stare directly into the whitish-pink of the interior of her mouth, past it and into the black hole of her canal where a little black guard stands hanging. I’m lost in thoughts that are entirely alien to me, and then there’s a light tap on my shoulder.

“Yes?” I answer, trying to supply reasons to my flabbergasted mind for… for… for the trance? switch?

“I said we have Loi-Loi, Eba, Semo –”

“Sorry.” I cut in. “I didn’t ask what you have.”

“Then what do you want?”

I’m struck dumb at this. There’s nothing I want at the moment other than to chide Harry, and I don’t need anything to help me do this other than Harry’s physical presence. Nothing at all from this restaurant at the moment but their cool shade while I wait for what I really need. I smile at the waitress, mentally goading her to read my mind through my eyes. But as you well know, I’d have to be a sorcerer to achieve that.

“Sir, you’ve sat down here too long not to want anything.”

And whose theory is that?

“How long have I stayed? ”

“Close to thirty minutes now. And I’ll like to bring it to your notice that we don’t allow people to sit idle in this restaurant. You have to order for something. We have drinks too. I failed to mention that earlier.”

Who was even listening?

“This notice.” I say, looking around the shop. “Do you have it written and pasted on the wall or anywhere at all?”

She flustered. “I’ve told you what is the operating procedure here. Keep your questions to yourself and make your order now, or…. or–”

My phone vibrates in my hand and I realize that’s where her attention is diverted to. I look at the caller ID on the screen, it’s Harry. I almost heaved a sigh of relief.

“Go and meet your madam. She knows what I want.” I say.

The girl stays a bit to measure me with her eyes, lets out a long hiss (the type that gets me mad) and turns to leave. I turn as well, meaning to grab her hand and issue her a serious warning when my eyes catch the movement of her backside. The way she swings that perfectly round, perfectly packed buttocks of hers is so original and so effortless… And, oh God! Isn’t that her skirt too short for a waitress? My head begins to ache, I feel hot allover. But I’m thinking she’s a delicious treat that I want. Interestingly, I realize there’s finally something I want in this restaurant. I wait for her to return; she definitely will because I never told her madam I wanted anything. My phone rings off the hook (or off my palm, if you like).

“You say him tell me wetin?” The madam bawls from behind the tall counter.

“A very cold bottle of Satzenbrau was what I told you to get.” I scream back from where I’m seated, a devil’s grin playing on my mouth. Of course, they don’t have that in small bars and restaurants.

“Go ask am wetin that one be.” The madam says in an intended whisper.

The grin spreads wider. The woman has just sold me plenty time to win her girl’s heart. My mind is totally off Harry, I’ve forgotten he just gave me a missed call and it doesn’t occur me how strange it is that he hasn’t called a second time. I’m arranging the things I would say to the waitress in my mind like a deck of cards ready to be dealt when I hear a rich masculine voice speak from before me.

“You’re very beautiful.” The voice says, stretching the last word so it comes out as ‘beaw-tee-full.’

A look at the phony love-struck expression on the newcomer’s face and the sheer astonishment on the waitress’s face brings my anger back a thousand-fold.

“That’s my friend Harry.” I smile at her, angrily noting the way she fights to cut Harry’s glance. “It’s him I’ve been waiting for all these while.”

“Harry.” She smiles. “It’s such a nice name. He looks somewhat like my ex.”

“If his bed skills are exceptional, then you must be right.” Harry says.

The waitress laughs unrestrainedly like Harry just said the funniest thing in the world. It makes me more angry with him. I consider punching him in the face once the waitress leaves but remember that our dear Harry is the tooth-for-tooth kind of guy.

“I take stout.” He says. “And Luku over here takes malt. Make the stout big, please.”

Thank God for the virtue of longsuffering (hope that’s the virtue I mean). It’s not an inherent thing, it comes just once in a while. It has chosen to come at this point when I need it most. The idiot just called me Luku in the face of the girl I intend to charm. My head hits harder.

“So Satsinbro is his way of saying malt.” She says, smiling at Harry. He nods in agreement. “Guys and their slangs.”

After watching her sway her hips for the second time, I turn to Harry. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

“She’s coming home with us tonight.” He says, not taking his eyes off her. “You’ve got to get a room for me tonight. Ah, Jesus! I miss this place.”

*     *     *     *     *

It’s a starless night and terribly cold. I’m sitting with Harry, Austin, Kingdom and Siasia, guys from the Ad-hoc work team. I’m disappointed at the turn out. Austin had told me it was a get together meeting of every young male in the compound, which implies the neighbouring compound as well. This morning’s work team alone had three times the number of this target population sitting here tonight and many had been absent. Right now I feel like I’m  unnecessarily familiarizing with the bad guys, which is something I don’t care for. Meanwhile, what I feel doesn’t matter; we’re helping ourselves with chicken peppersoup prepared by Siasia, and kingdom is just reappearing from the dark passageway of his house with a fresh carton of canned Hero.

“All these beer wey dem dey produce these days sef, dem no fit even high Chicken.” Kingdom laments as he takes his seat.

“True talk.” Harry says. “Na spirit be the main thing.”

Austin doesn’t seem to be in the mood to talk. He grabs two cans of beer, uncorks them one after the other, drops each beside his bowl of  steaming peppersoup like Roman sentries and joins 2Pac to scream ‘Fuck You all motherfuckers!’ with his fists punching the chilled air. Siasia is frantically drawing in smoke from his wrap of marijuana as if it were his very last. His eyes are closed to slits and his head is drawn back. I draw out a can and uncork it. Trapped gases escapes and foams of brew race down the side the can to the tip of my shoe. My vision is beginning to blur and my bladder aches badly, yet I swallow a mouthful of warm beer.

“We were talking about Christmas.” Kingdom says.

“Yes, about Christmas.” Harry agrees and excuses himself, his phone pressed to his ear.

“God created man and saw that it was good. But man needed a companion so he gave him woman. Still man’s need was not satisfied. Man needed to flex small. So God having seen that man would never be happy until this need is satisfied, and having loved man because they shared the same image, he sent down Christ that we may have Christmas day. A day of stupefied flexing. Flexing without limits, man.” Siasia exhales smoke into the air and the rest of us are left to meditate on his words.

“Do you mean that… that…” Kingdom shakes his head and flushes the rest of his beer down his gut as if it the action would supply the remaining words.

“My guy, that thing no dey for Bible.” Austin says. “I dey go church well well.”

“Please, can a very good Christian brother open the book of John for us?”

I dig out my phone from my pocket and soon begin to read from the book of first John when it comes to me like a flash that I hadn’t asked the particular chapter and verse to be read. Kingdom is shaking his head in agreement to the sound of my voice and Austin is staring far ahead in full concentration. Siasia who had requested that the Bible be read is busy licking the edges of a new wrap of smoke. I stop abruptly.

“What chapter should I read?” I ask.

“You sef, just read Bible na. Abi you don tire?” Kingdom says.

“You were busy reading the book of Luke.” Siasia says. He puts the completed wrap between his lips and fix me a hard look. “Open to John 3:16. That’s where it is.”

I’m feeling tipsy, I know, and I also know that my stomach is acting funny. But I’m not drunk yet. I can clearly remember what John 3:16 says. It doesn’t say anything in the likeness of what Siasia preached. But the look the guy gave me was the kind reserved for the world’s biggest fools. No, I can’t give this new guy the room to call me a fool.

“For God so loved the world…”

“You hear it?” Siasia jumps over to Austin. Austin nods slowly, not really comprehending anything.

“That he gave his only begotten…”

“Sorry guys.” Harry bellows as he reappears from the corner.

We all look at him and an invisible shroud of silence enwraps us. Harry is leading the sexiest girl any of the guys have ever seen – their looks say so. Not me anyway. I’ve seen this particular girl today and was close, very close to owning her. Ah! Harry, God will not forgive you.

“Young Lady.” Austin jumps down from the platform. “Come let me help you up.”

The couple are still a long way from the stage and walking slowly and Austin is already offering to help the young lady up. I begin to wonder if he’s seeing Harry beside her, guiding her like a dangerous missile. I assume he has consumed enough beer to distort his vision, thus making my friend Harry nothing but a blur. kingdom shifts his chair closer to me.

“And it’s not yet Christmas day.” He whispers into my ear.

“Maybe everyday is Christmas.” I say, my eyes on the waitress I’m yet to know her name.

Siasia is the most composed at the moment, he’s smoking meditatively, not seeming to notice there are people around him. I wonder what his next words would be, hoping it doesn’t turn out more senseless than the first. Austin has finally realized he’s more than arms length from Harry and his girl, he’s dropped his hand and is moving towards them. He moves four steps and kicks an outcrop. He loses balance instantly, his hands flail momentarily in the air, and then he’s down hard on the ground. He remains there like a dead log and we all burst into a healthy gale of laughter, except Siasia, of course.

Harry gives his seat to the lady and begins introduction.

“Ebi, meet my friends. There’s Luku, the one you already met at your place today.”

“Luku? What kind of a name is that?”

“It’s Lucas.” I say and quaff the rest of the beer in the new can I had just collected. I don’t feel normal anymore.

“Then why do they choose to call you Luku?”

Are you now interested in me? I say nothing.

“I’m Kingdom.” Kingdom walks over and grips her hand. “I hold the keys to the door of the Kigdom of heaven. So that means, I’m heaven itself. If you like me, I’ll take you to heaven because I have the keys to heaven. The keys to heaven open all doors. We can go to any room you like and I’ll open the door because it’s the key to the Kingdom…”

Ebi politely writhe her hands free of Kingdom’s locked handshake. “That’s very kind of you. But I don’t want to go to heaven yet.”

I spew beer in a fine spray (I had fetched myself a new can, my sixth for the night), laughing uncontrollably. Harry too is laughing. Our eyes meet and the question in his eyes is well interpreted by me. ‘Where did this Asshole come from?’ It asks and I reply in the same eye language: where all Assholes come from. Harry clutches his belly this time and Ebi begins to smile.

“That guy high in the clouds over there is Siasia.” Harry continues after gathering back his composure.

Siasia waves. “Pastor Saisia.” He corrects. “The pot of peppersoup is not empty yet. Help yourself, Ebineme.”

Ebi’s eyes grow to the size of saucers. “How did you know it’s Ebineme and not Ebisemi or Ebitari or any other Ebi at all? You must be a prophet.”

“A fake.” Austin supplies. He’s squatted beside the sound system at the foot of his room’s outside wall, where he is increasing the volume of the new track that’s beginning to play. Deep Forest’s Sweet Lullaby fills the night air.

The sound of it forces a start out of everyone. Austin returns with a new seat for Harry.

“Guy. That song is devilish. You have to change it to something decent.” Siasia says.

“Fogerrabourit.” Austin says offhandedly. “We’ve got a hot girl in our midst, and she’s with her man, my man, Harrison. Let’s cool the atmosphere for them, something for love to thrive in.”

What a speech?

It’s shocking to hear something like this from Austin. I’ve not known him long enough to assure you of his dumbness. No. But he just doesn’t look like someone who can give speeches. It’s actually funny listening to all those words (as small as they were) come from him. What is more funny is his realization that the lady has a man and the man is his very man – Harrison – who he was just meeting for the first time tonight. I start laughing all over again.

“Is everything always funny to Luku?” Ebi asks Harry who only shrugs.

“Don’t you have a cooler song like That Jay-Z and Beyonce song?” Kigdom asks.

“Bonnie and Clyde?!” I and Harry chorus, then look at him. “Are you kidding me?”

Kingdom shakes his head and smiles. “Yes. That’s the one I’m talking about.”

We both burst into laughter, and for the second time, wonder where Kingdom came from. Our laughter is cut short by the slamming of door. A small man with piercing eyes appears from the black rectangle the door has been hiding and walks over to where we are seated.

“All of you should go and sleep.” He says.

Just like that?

We fall silent for a while looking at the small figure before us pointing an unwavering finger the direction of my room. He looks like a parochial pigmy in the centre of a Bouquet hall with more than a score of feasting people, telling them that tonight God would demand their souls if they don’t stop the merriment. All at once we all start laughing.

“Are you laughing at me?” He asks, deep hurt displaying on his face.

“Even my mother knows better than to order me to bed.” I say. Deep down in me, I know I wouldn’t talk to an elderly man this way, but tonight is different. “We’re adults if you haven’t noticed.”

The small man turns about and  heads straight for the sound system.

“Don’t even do what is on your mind.” Harry leaps from his seat.

The small man turns off the music and starts turning to us again when Austin suddenly clears him from the ground. He crashes hard with a loud shriek. We all rush Austin before he does more damage. The man seeing that we are restraining Austin, jumps to his feet and dashes into the same door that had brought him forth.

“So you had the mind to lift me off the ground, Austin? You’re in big trouble.” He says then bangs the door shut.

“You can’t do anything to me, crazy old man. You’re the reason I’m not progressing in this life. It’s enough for you.” Harry says, and once again that music that feels like hypnosis fills the air.

The small man has given us a new topic. We discuss him for a long time. Harry, who has started smooching Ebi soon decides he needs some privacy. He gets off his seat with Ebi and announces his final exit from the meeting. We wish him a sweet night and I hand him the key to my room without a thought.

Twenty minutes later, or so it seems, five men rounds us (four almost drunk men – if not already stoned), and in another five minutes, we’re all in cuffs. All the neighbours are out and staring at us. I’m surprised to see all of them in their night clothes, eyes as clear as owls. I thought they had been fast asleep. The whole thing begins to look staged to me. The others are protesting violently but I’m not. I’m struggling to keep the half can of beer I’m clutching in my cuffed hands from falling. I don’t know why the man that manacled me didn’t take it away from me.

The small man finally appears as the men leads us away. “Austin, you had the mind to fight me, your landlord.”

Landlord? Jesus! What have I gotten myself into?

“You can’t touch me!” Austin screams at him and his voice echoes into the night.

We are about to enter a black police patrol van, and all at once it occurs to me that I’m going to spend the rest of this night in a police cell. My bladder lets go.

“But I’m not a criminal.” I finally manage to say.

A loud belch from me is the reply I get. The van zooms off. Siren screams into the dead of the night.